I find so many things in common with y'all.

It just leaves me speechless to see how hard y'all are struggling and holding on real tight.

we are not in the same situation, but we are standing our grounds together. We have got your back.

I like scribbling but not a good writer.

I remember I scribbled some shit in my mind down on my diary that I had no idea what It was about but anyone could tell that I was in a downward spiral.

Since I was little, I imagined how my mom would die and be gone, and cried myself in sleep every night.

Once I was caught crying by my mom , she asked me why I was crying. I couldn't answer. I lied about what I was crying about. I was afraid to tell the truth if it would hurt her feeling.

maybe after my parent's divorce, it has become a habit to imagine someone who has got really close die.

when I felt awful for myself or got in a family drama situation, I remember wishing myself to die. 

I imagined myself dying in pain , in a heinous, gory way. Or I even hit myself in the head so hard or tried to cut my wrist with scissors.

looking back, it was just nothing.

But why was it so hard to say what I really had in my mind and get over with shame?

My coping mechanism with anxiety attack was lying. 

It comforted me from feeling pressure to talk about some issues that might cause trouble with my mom, or with everyone.

shit.

I lied.

to comfort myself.

shit..don't blame the kid for lying.

people must have reason to do something.

I am trying to spread love and support because I am a loving , understanding person?

no.

that's because I want to be loved and be supported by someone. anyone. everyone.